I wish there were more time to write
because I am collecting piles of funny stories about being a new parent.
but a touching one first. the one I most don’t want to forget. a texted convo between husband and myself. he was still on shift, but the clock had struck midnight. I was up nursing daughter and txted him a happy birthday.
him: “thanks. already got my gifts.”
me: “how??”
then, joking: “have u been in my underwear drawer?”
that’s where I hide small gifts. he knows it, but the spot is safe bc husband would no sooner go in there than he would desecrate a temple.
him: “my wife and child are still alive.”
I started to cry. so emotional!
then he followed up: “honey, I haven’t been in your underwear for weeks!”
long cold winter nights
… mean snuggle time! Preferably Daddy/ Husband is home for this. Then everyone – human and animal – piles on him, because he’s got the most body heat.
But when he’s not home, that leaves me.
Last night in bed I had Daughter in the co-sleeper bassinet (so she’s right there beside me), two cats on my chest, and one dog against my legs. Big Dog was right by my side of the bed, where he could guard both me and the baby. He usually rotates where he sleeps at night, choosing to guard various doors to the outside, but in this weather even he stays in the bedroom.
I think between the six of us, the room temp stayed in the mid 60s. I keep telling myself that in pioneer times (and throughout history, in fact), babies slept in a lot colder places. She’s all wrapped up in a huge blanket burrito, with two hats – and as far as I can tell, she seems perfectly fine.
woodstove chimney crapped out
To put not too fine a point on it. So Husband got off shift and he’s up on the roof right now, checking out the creosote situation.
Of course we are experiencing record lows and “life threatening” wind chills, and there are huge swaths of snow and ice up there, and I just don’t think it’s very safe. Not to mention, the chimney itself is not exactly safe, the brick surround badly, badly needs re-pointing.
Well, if he falls, he’ll land in a snow drift. Hopefully that will cushion some of the impact.
zero degrees
and that’s just the temperature, not counting wind chill. The heater is keeping up, but the drafts from old windows (the ones we haven’t replaced yet) keep the house only barely above chilly.
Not to worry. Daughter is snuggled in fleece and blankets. Dogs are even staying inside in this, because their ears get cold. Cats are inside. Mommy is inside, and just put on her second layers of socks and sweater.
Daddy is of course at work, helping people who aren’t smart enough to stay inside. Or who get outside the city limits, off the main roads, and don’t realize that gravel roads in winter require four wheel or all wheel drive.
We had two of those people block our road just yesterday. One a big huge truck, that slid clear around and got stuck sideways on a very slippery, treacherous little hill.
The farmer who lives at the bottom of that hill went and got his tractor and pulled the guy out. As he always does, every year, for at least 10-12 vehicles. He should charge them, but I know he doesn’t.
He had his granddaughter with him the other day, out checking the cows as I drove by. (Of course spring calving season starts as soon as the temps hit single digits and below.) We all waved.
pleasing my man
Pleasing your man – I think it’s a lost art. And maybe it should be, on some level. I’m open to that argument.
Still, in the interests of keeping these skills alive for a new generation so they can make the choice themselves, here’s my take.
Some ground rules first:
1) only try this if you are a pleaser to begin with. Some of us are born that way, others aren’t. If you are born a pleaser, then you probably can’t help yourself from doing it, and you will NEED to learn how to do it right in order to protect yourself. If you don’t learn the rules for proper pleasing, you will lose yourself. Or never find yourself in the first place, that’s far more likely.
2) remember, you don’t HAVE to please a man to get him, or get him to stay. If you do any of the following and do not end up with a devoted partner, then leave the bastard cold. Never waste your time on someone who doesn’t appreciate you.
3) when it comes to pleasing, identify your basic strengths and then build on those. But don’t try to please with cooking, for example, if you cannot even boil an egg.
OK! How to please a man – and no, this will not be the Cosmo sex tricks version. Those might get you through the first few years, but you’ll need more range to survive the long run.
General tricks:
Tell him how wonderful he is. All the time. Seriously. Does anyone else tell him this? No. Highly unlikely. Praise the good stuff. Don’t bitch about the bad. He’ll figure out quick that he’d rather hear how awesome he is, than disappoint you when he isn’t. (and if not, see #2 above).
The art of conversation. Even if it is for only thirty seconds outside of the usual harried exchanges on how to handle house, pets, kids, bills, groceries, meals, etc., make a little space for conversation. If you don’t remember how that goes, here’s some of the basics – (a) shared interests – music, movies, etc., (b) his hobbies and interests, (c) a news story or sports story that you both are following, (d) update on a family drama. Think of these conversations as built around themes that can last for years. NEWS FLASH: Conversations never, ever, ever start out: “What are you thinking?” Occasionally, “what’s on your mind, lovey?” is okay, especially if accompanied by a quick hug or kiss. Do not overuse.
Flirt. Yeah, that probably played a part in how you got him, right? So why the hell would you stop flirting now that you live together/ got married?
Wants v. needs. You can’t be everything to someone – so when you decide to fill a hole in their life, or to please them, make some distinctions. What can’t they do without? My husband can’t do without me handling the $$. He also can’t do without my chicken pot pie. Pick and choose, and know how to prioritize.
Need him. Guys in traditionalist relationships – the only kind I really know anything about – are the kind of guys that need to be needed… no, not emotionally. Not usually! Emotional neediness had best be kept to a dull roar, ie, no dependence. That’s what your girlfriends are for. But guys need to be needed to change tires, change sheets, run errands, remember things you can’t, be strong and protective – it’s their home, too, they are crucial to its survival, and you need to honor and prize their contributions.
Give ‘em space. He is a completely separate individual from you, with his own wants and needs, and you probably have no idea what goes through his head on a daily basis… and, that’s okay. Let him be him. If you really don’t like the essential him and want him to change, or are insecure enough you have to keep trying to pin him down, maybe he should see #2 above.
Don’t be shy. Also don’t be a pain in the ass, and don’t talk too much about yourself, but if you are a pleaser, give yourself good PR, so you aren’t taken for granted. Did you do his nasty work laundry? Tell him you did, sigh, roll your eyes a little, and give him a hug, so he knows it was a special effort you made out of undying love. All this pleasing is optional. You don’t have to do it… but if you aren’t appreciated, that might not be all his fault.
Specific - These are tricks peculiar to myself. I already know that hard core feminists will read through this list and pass out.
Look nice. Yes, even when wearing sweats. Make an EFFORT. If your hair is yuck, you can at least swipe on some mascara and put on earrings. You should own at least one pair of nice jeans, comfortable heels, and a low-cut shirt. And you should also WEAR them every once in a while.
Work it. Bend over a lot so he can look at your ass, or down your shirt. You should try to flash your husband at least once a day. Let him look, but not necessarily touch, not right at that moment anyway. You’re married, it’s okay to tease now. Hug him lots, he’ll take care of the rest.
Appreciate his gifts. Wear the jewelry, play the music, appreciate the free moments he gives you away from your responsibilities. Say thank you. SHOW thank you.
Cook a favorite dish once in a while. When we are all grabbing meals on the go, a home cooked meal is a super-cool thing. He’s a guy, right? That meal can even be chili in the crock pot, for a winter afternoon in front of football. We aren’t talking Cordon Bleu, at least not at my house.
Reward him with sex. How, exactly, is there a downside for you on this one? I’ve never understood why someone WOULDN’T do this. Lots!
Daddy’s fashion sense
Daddy’s little princess – so the slogan on her fleece jammies tells me – is sleeping in her swing, while Mommy finally gets to listen to her new Miranda Lambert. Our hick dish satellite pooped out in the middle of the download, so only days later do we have any internet, period. Imagine trying to run a rural business on this quality of internet access, yep, yep, hmm… Not.
Daddy’s little princess. I am 100% certain that Husband would sneer at that phrase and the like on other people’s kids. He is goofy gaga to see it on his kid, though, and he (re)dressed her this morning. Spit and poop took out the first outfit about thirty minutes after it went on, and that’s about par for the course.
He dressed her in the earlier one, too. That one said “I’m darling!” Don’t look at me, I don’t buy these. We either inherit them, or get given them as gifts.
And actually, I don’t think he even looks at the slogans when he picks them out for her to wear. What they also had in common: one piece outfits with a minimum of snaps. Baby uniforms.
I’ve figured out that uniforms are all he knows how to dress himself in. When he is off work, he wears the home equivalent of a uniform, too – Keys or some other type of work jean, and a plain t-shirt. If there is a graphic, it has only to do with sports, motorcycles, or work stuff.
So for him to dress our little girl, he has to process her outfits as uniforms. By far, his preference is for zippers. Snaps he gripes about, buttons, he won’t go near. The thing is, we only have so many super-simple outfits, and she goes through them pretty fast.
Then he has to go outside his comfort zone. Two piece outfits!
I’m trying to get him to think of them as dress uniforms.
BTW, awesome album.
lucky mama – but no rural broadband for Christmas
I got an iTunes gift certificate for Christmas! I snuck out of bed early to use it. Of course I had to take Daughter with me. It is our goal to let Daddy/ Husband sleep in this a.m., if at all possible. I fed the little sweetie then stuck her in her swing with some Jewel lullabies on the CD player. So far, it’s working, knock wood.
The CD was also a Christmas gift – kind of funny, because Husband has a secret crush on Jewel. Kind of like my not so secret crush on Brett Favre. Well, at least our fantasies are age-appropriate. Favre is forty, right?
Okey doke. Let’s get serious about iTunes. I am thinking – Miranda Lambert, Brad Paisely, and Norah Jones. And the Scrabble iPhone app. Downloading without broadband is not fun… but then, probably most country music listeners are urban these days, not rural anymore. I don’t even know how many promises I have heard politicians make about rural broadband over the years, and so far it’s just bullshit. At least where we live.
Yes, that’s kind of funny… but then again, it’s kind of not. It reminds me of … oo, about to get un-politically correct here. Let’s see if I can do it without being offensive. That seems to be a rare skill these days.
Ok. The lack of adequate communications and information technology for rural areas is discrimination, flat out. It’s discrimination through lack of adequate infrastructure development. Lack of adequate infrastructure leads to lack of economic development and cultural opportunity, and a sense of connection with the larger global community.
And those are just some of the direct impacts. If enough of your populace feels disconnected and disenfranchised (we know we’re missing out, we’re not stupid) – or relates to people who feel this way – then those are some pretty severe indirect impacts as well, ie, in the political arena. Ahem. Sarah Palin. (Rural people might not have the population base anymore, but by God we’ve got the narrative, the story that everyone can relate to. That has power far beyond our numbers – but unfortunately, we no longer tell our own stories.)
It’s nowhere near as bad as the situation with the segregated schools in the South – that sort of discrimination built on a horribly violent history. However, there is also another kind of violence in being overlooked all the time, and that violence is done to rural people quite often.
Ie, education. Affirmative action. (This could get touchy.) There are many disenfranchised groups in the U.S. who could do with broader access to education. To some minor extent – I’ll never believe it was enough – several of these groups gained some limited access, mostly on the basis of racial categories.
However, race isn’t the only marker that can restrict people’s opportunity. Geography, location, economics, the much harder to define category of class… those matter, too. Affirmative action didn’t help with those other restrictions much.
And I gotta say, when some groups get access and others don’t, that sets them against each other. Rather than against the gatekeepers, either those gatekeepers of institutions, or the gatekeepers we all have in our own minds. Even if people aren’t particularly interested in some of these opportunities on their own behalf, they understandably often resent their community being excluded. Their life isn’t necessarily defined by this resentment, not at all, but the awareness is there and it often has ripple effects.
And why am I rambling on like this? Because I am still trying to download my flipping iTunes! Not the NYTimes, not Time magazine, not the Washington Post, admittedly. But, I’m on Christmas vacation.
blizzards and babies
snowbound for the past five days or so. Well, I could get out when Husband got off shift, and came home in the big truck, but my trusty little Honda CRV simply didn’t have the clearance to plow thru the four ft high drifts.
And, it didn’t need to, particularly, Daughter and I were safe and snug at home… and the blizzard hit right around my original due date, so I was giving thanks to the Lord on high that I was not still pregnant, and living in the middle of nowhere. It’s fine to have a kid and be in the middle of nowhere, as long as you have a generator and plenty of gasoline. (And have plenty of diapers.)
Pregnant, bedrest, and blizzard bound? No thanks.
The little sweetie is considering whether or not to suck her thumb. Right now, she’s gnawing on a fist. Think big, little girl. The german shepherd has started to steal her pacifiers – he lets them drop out of her mouth first, thankfully (I think), but still, grody! If I were a better mom I would set up a surveillance camera or something to keep a better eye out. Oh well. And there’s a sanitize cycle on the dishwasher, after all.
Husband is going to need every day off he has to recover from being on duty for two blizzard days. He had many sad stories. A homeless man, who fell asleep in the snow drift. An elderly woman with dementia, and wandered away in the storm. And a family at wit’s end, over their four month old child with severe birth defects. It is a sobering side to Christmas. Throughout all the good moments, I kept these people in the back of my mind.
Boobs, boppies, binkies, bumbos
how does anyone keep all this baby terminology straight? binkies = pacifiers. bumbos = baby seats. boppies = nursing pillows.
boobs, tho – got that one. and yet again here i sit in yet another parking lot, pumping breastmilk this time. I’m so aggravated that I’m blasting classic rock and making faces at onlookers. we live in a formula world.
merry Christmas anyway!
Modern family – and men
Husband and I are big fans of ABC’s Modern Family. However, I have noticed something.
Only the adult male characters get storylines that show significant character development. So far, anyway.
I can see an argument that this reflects how some of the most important changes in modern families revolve around changes in fatherhood.
Maybe! but STILL.
